The festive season arrives with a script: be cheerful, be grateful, be together. For many people that fits, at least some of the time. For many others, December arrives carrying something else: grief for someone who will not be at the table, loneliness, tension with family, money worries, exhaustion, or a year that has simply been hard.
If that is you, nothing has gone wrong with you. The season is asking you to feel one thing, and real life rarely works that way.
Why December can make feelings louder
Several things tend to arrive at once.
- Routines change. The structure that holds many of us together through the year loosens, and there is more unfilled time to feel things in.
- Expectations rise. Adverts, films and social media suggest that everyone else is having a warm, easy time.
- Reminders gather. Traditions, music, photographs and empty places can bring a loss close, especially in the first years.
- Families come together. Old roles, old arguments and unspoken tension can return with the same people in the same room.
- Alcohol and tiredness are everywhere. Both can make feelings sharper and patience shorter.
None of this means the season cannot also hold good moments. It means that more than one thing can be true at once.
Making room does not mean wallowing
To make room for a difficult feeling is to let it be here without having to fix it, justify it or hide it. You can enjoy a moment and still miss someone. You can be grateful and still be tired. You can laugh at the table and feel sad on the way home.
When we push a feeling away, it often finds another way out: irritability, a short temper, a restless need to keep busy, or more to drink than we meant. When we give it a small, steady place, it often loosens a little. It may not disappear, and that is allowed.
Small ways to make room
These are not cures, and they will not suit everyone. They are simple ideas to try when you are calm enough to choose.
- Name it. This is sadness. This is loneliness. This is dread about Thursday. A name can make a feeling a little easier to hold.
- Give it a small, planned space. Ten minutes with a cup of tea, a short walk, or a few lines in a private note. A set time can make it easier to carry on with the rest of the day.
- Lower the bar. Ask what would be enough this year. One tradition kept and one let go may be plenty.
- Choose one person who can hear the truth. Not everyone has to know. One person who can hear "this is harder than I expected" can make a real difference.
- Look after the basics. Sleep, food, daylight and fresh air matter more than usual. Notice how much alcohol you are using to cope.
- Use your body. Feel your feet on the floor. Let your out-breath be a little longer than your in-breath. Small signals of steadiness can help a feeling pass through.
Protecting your edges
Making room for your own feelings sometimes means making room around you. A boundary is a kind sentence you can say once.
- I'll stay until four.
- I'd rather not talk about that today.
- Thanks for asking. I'm going to keep that one private.
It can also help to decide in advance how long you will stay, and to plan a pause: a walk, a quiet room, a task in the kitchen. You can be kind and still say no. You do not owe an explanation each time.
If you are grieving
An empty chair can be loud. There is no right way to mark a loss at Christmas. Some people keep every tradition, some change them all, and some do a little of each. You might light a candle, say their name, share a story, cook their dish, or simply have a quiet day. You are allowed to change your mind on the day.
If you will be on your own
Some people are alone at Christmas by choice, and some are not. If it is not what you wanted, small plans can help: a message to someone you have lost touch with, a walk at a set time, a film you have been saving, a call you promise yourself. Samaritans are there every day of the year, including Christmas Day, on 116 123, free to call.
When to consider support
Many people carry difficult feelings through December with time, understanding and the support of people they trust. It may be worth talking to a professional if:
- low mood, anxiety or grief feel heavy most days and are not easing;
- you are avoiding people, places or plans more and more;
- sleep, appetite or drinking have changed in ways that worry you;
- the thought of the season, or of January, feels unmanageable.
Counselling can offer a private, steady place to put into words what the season stirs up, at a pace that feels manageable.
If you are ever at risk or in crisis, please do not wait. Call 999 in an emergency, contact NHS 111 for urgent mental health support, or call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time of day or night.
Room for both
The festive period can hold light and difficulty together. You do not have to feel merry to belong at the table, and you do not have to carry the hard parts alone.
PJB Therapy offers individual counselling, psychotherapy and EMDR therapy in Stockport and online across the UK. If this article speaks to something you are carrying, you can arrange a free initial call to talk about whether counselling may be suitable for you.